health « Of Variants and Subspecies

Posts Tagged ‘health

Aug

Finding The Vibe.

By rattusphere 2 Comments

Categories: The Sphere
Tags: art, beer, canvas, connections, coupons, drawing, events, fibromyalgia, food, fund-raising, health, oil, painting, pen & ink, portraits, sketches, Sly Fox Brewery, the vibe

The tactile pieces and independent projects are starting to accumulate volume around my life, and I’m looking at the cluttered canvases, stacked sketch books, and haphazardly piled to-be painted piles of frames now with a sense of relief instead of a lingering sense of dread. It seems to be, at least for me, that ideas in themselves hold a greater tendency to intimidate when merely in suggestive format; when in that premature state of birth: the “blue print stage.” There’s always a possibility of doubt attached to any non-physical conception; “will I be able to construct this idea and translate it into physical space, the way it appears inside of me?” “will others be able to interpret my physical representation the same way I do?” “can I work with the materials I have to give the proper amount of detailed tactile translation?”

I once had a conversation with someone about the “vibe.” The “vibe” was describe as an almost cosmic energy-like force, a thread so to speak, that you tap into, grab, or follow to harvest ideas from, express and create pieces of yourself in reference to, etc,. There was talk about how people go through very long stretches of being “vibe-less.” Not having that ethereal thread to reach out for as a guide line or a lead when it comes to all matters creative. Some could call it writer’s block, artist’s block, just “the block.” That’s being “vibe-less.” I can’t say I’ve ever put much faith in things like this, they’re fun to talk about, and to play with. Needless to say, there’s is a certain physical and mental “click” that happens when you feel you find “a thread” not previously existent in your life. You get your heels into a groove and dig the hell in. That’s a “vibe,” and that’s “finding the vibe.” Continuing!

So many things come to mind when I think about taking an idea or an aspect of an idea, and turning it into something physical for others to look at in any sort of artistic way. Once pushing past the initial creation stage, from gathering textures and ideas, to formatting a sense of what direction to start off in and then doing it, the process does become easier. There’s something to be said for the “stages.” For working in layers and in letting each layer have time to have an affect on you, so that you can proceed with everything in mind, and with those impressions as a guide. That being said I can say I’ve hit stage 2 with one piece of my independent portrait series, tittled “Soldiers of Ghosts,” recently started on this week, and am close to hitting that same stage with another self-portrait for the same series. Also, I’ve started sketches for what I hope can be, a small series dedicated to helping raise money as an adjunct to the Fibromyalgia Fund-Raiser. The first of that sketch series, “Companion” is below.

Portrait series stage 1 - “Soldiers of Ghosts”

Stage 2 - “Soldiers of Ghosts”

And to keep the fund-raising going, don’t forget to mark September the 4th on your calendars, and trek out to The Sly Fox in Royersford for the Race for Fibromyalgia fund-raiser! (info, directions and the 20% off food & drink coupon can all be found here.)

Aug

The Collective Mondays.

By rattusphere 0 Comments

Categories: Public Mechanics and The Sphere
Tags: health, research, fund-raising, artwork, centralia, pa, abandoned towns, flickr, etsy, selling art, donating artwork, free materials

Mondays seem to be, or are becoming in part through this writing process, the day that most of the past week’s thoughts and ideas really settle in and take form for me. Everything that has happened, speaking in terms of the past week, crystallizes and comes into focus. Mondays go from mornings of wound up production, to afternoons of sheer exhaustion; one being due to the other or an accumulated build up of the past several days events and exertions. It’s exhilarating to work through the day, transitioning from one idea to the next, not exactly expecting there to be one beyond that, but nonetheless being surprised when there is.

[Working backwards]

Centralia, PA and Road Tripping Vol. 2 was incredible. I’ve known several friends and a few family members that have ventured up to explore the area for different reasons; personal hobbies, off-roading, etc,. It was a completely difference experience being in the moment myself instead of having only the stories of others to describe the place and the town of Centralia. The drive was around 2 hours, mostly turnpike and no traffic. The easyiest way to actually explore the town itself was to park and really have your own “walk-a-bout.” There’s a pretty moderate tourist population, so wondering around on foot and leaving your car parked on the side of the roads isn’t an issue. It was actually amusing to see people driving around mostly abandoned streets, looking for open seams in the pavement spewing steam and coal stench. I’d definitely recommend the walk-a-bout though, you can really take in the scenery and the feel of the emptiness of the place. Despite the few remaining residents, it’s quiet, the kind of quiet that encourages the wondering solitude of feet and thought. I’m hoping at some point over the winter, to return with different lenses, and definitely black and white film for the film camera. I’m building up the Centralia, PA 2008 flickr set, so that should be completed soon.

I’ve been thinking about the Fibromyalgia Fund-Raiser (I’m always thinking about it, actually.) This is the last month to bring in the race donations before the Diamondman Triathlon down in Delaware this coming September 7, 2008. It’s going well, people are really responding and reaching out in any way they can; words of support, checks for donations, bake goods to help us sell, and with Sly Fox holding the “Race for Fibromyalgia Coupon Day” on September the 4th, it seems like neither my sister nor I could have asked for a better response from those around us. So to make this last month as big as possible I’ve been thinking about how I can use my art to help out the fund-raiser and I’ve come up with an idea I hope to be able to bring to fruition.

Over the past decade and a half, I’ve been fortunate enough to have had the chance to work in many creative fields, with many wonderful and creatively passionate people. During each section of my work life in those fields I was the trash collector for the unwanted supplies of those places I worked. I figured at some point, I’d have a need for a box of 5×7 gold decorative frames, but I just didn’t know when. My attic is full of other boxes sporting other leftover supplies once headed for the trash, but saved. Over the years I didn’t have it in my heart to throw those boxes out, always in my mind the “if” there might be a use for each and every one of those some day. So I held on to countless materials and countless boxes: the attic is an artistic Tetris.

Getting back to the idea and to fund-raising. I’ve seen in several places; coffee shops, craft fairs, church fairs, flea markets, etc,. people selling their own art framed. So my idea is simple; I use the free materials I’ve collected over the last decade and a half (so ideally it won’t cost me an overhead) and I do a series to sell, whose specific profits will go entirely to the fund-raiser. I’ve already started pulling down frames and painting them: this is my hope and my focus.

Assuming I can accomplish something put together from old sketches within the next three weeks or so, it would be ideal to sell them all before the triathlon. So I’m hoping to have established an Etsy account sometime by next week with at least one or two items already up and going. If that goes well, maybe incorporating the art sales at the Sly Fox Fund-Raiser could be a possibility as well. Don’t know

If there are any other independent art selling sites out there that people are familiar with, hit me up with some information. I’d love to be able to sell the artwork directly, but I’m not sure how involved that would be and if I can manage it time wise. Word!

Jul

Our Lives In Dedications.

By rattusphere 1 Comment

Categories: The Sphere and Unsettling Observations
Tags: chronic pain, CUT, donating, donations, dr. lowe, family, fibromyalgia, fibromyalgia research foundation, good causes, half ironman, health, help, hypothyroidism, ironman, non-profit, palahniuk, perspective, raising money, research, science, talkshoe

There’s this thing that happens when you walk away from a particularly enjoyable experience; it’s more than chemicals randomly firing off in your brain, telling you you feel good about what just happened, it’s processing information, ideas, even sounds so that you can continue on with a thread, on your own and bring it to something else.

Tonight was the first episode of CUT (Creative Under Takings)
The shows brainchild, Brent Weichsel of The Underdevelopment Podcast hosted tonight’s chat along with the very lovely and articulate Donna from Brickgrrl, and the noble and may I say, quite refreshing Tim Coyne of The Hollywood Podcast.

The topic for tonight’s episode of CUT was an excerpt from Chuck Palahniuk’s “Stranger Than Fiction”: You Are Here. It basically served as a “springboard” for the rest of the night’s conversation. So check it out on Talkshoe, and make sure to check out Brent, Donna and Tim as well.

It’s funny to me, I hadn’t really expected to leave the conversation being able to see parts of it connecting to other things going on in my life right now, but it has, which is why I’m going to write. The two things I want to place in common with the Talkshoe CUT show and with what’s next are technology and perspective on personal experiences.

It’s almost August now. You can feel it in the air even if you didn’t have a calendar. August type days stick to you, you have to peal yourself from any sense of time during the end of the summer. There’s the realization that fall and school will be here in less than a month (one sooner than the other) and then winter. At this point during the summer months I always find myself looking back at the two before it and taking stock; have I done most of what I wanted to do, have I done all of what I needed to do, how much more can I squeeze out of what’s left before the next big chunk of time is here.

That’s time for me at this moment, not all of it, but part, and this is where it’s going: My sister and I are still collecting donation money for the Delaware Diamondman Half Ironman event being held in September. Every single cent she and I collect goes toward a non-profit Fibromyalgia Research Foundation that is studying hypothyroidism and its affects as chronic pain (Fibromyalgia) in young people and adults of all ages. My sister, Nicole, was even able to get Preston and Steve of the Preston and Steve show to post a short flier about our cause in their community bulletin board section. I’ve made a page here on my own blog, Fibromyalgia Fundraising/Research! I’ve used Twitter to put out both my page and the message several times, even others have helped with this.

My point, or one, is that despite the amount of electronic awareness we are creating about our topic, and the frequency of it, neither my sister nor I have received any donations through this medium for the Half Ironman fund-raiser. I honestly thought if I put something out there, someone would donate something, one dollar. At the least, contact my sister or myself about the event and the research to see what it’s about, but no one has done so, it’s been a little over two weeks now.

Nicole and I talked tonight after I wrapped up CUT about this topic. About how despite my broadcasting efforts on Twitter, and through the info web page here, and even the Preston and Steve bulletin, no one is responding to us. Her goal amount to raise before the Half Ironman was $700 so far it’s about $250. We’re both making bake goods to sell to help raise money to donate, our friends, family and work members continually donate, but I feel, in me, that it’s not enough. There’s a local newspaper article coming out in the next two weeks which will hopefully rouse up interest in my local community, and I’ve even been back to my physical therapist to ask him if he’d be willing to at least consider something to donate.

I’m thinking about the state of it like this: it’s hard to see where the money is going, I know, but that’s why you make checks payable directly to the Fibromyalgia organization itself, not to me, or my sister. I understand what it’s like to have nothing to give but to want to give, sometimes just an email of support goes so much further than any one dollar. I think about my sister competing in this race knowing that so many people knew about it, but that so few bothered with it, that has to affect you on some level, I don’t want it to affect her because she’s one of the most selfless people I know, and this cause is more than being close to home, it’s about prevention and health, and that’s important. I feel like that’s a topic that’s universally translatable.

So that’s it I guess, technology is great, in many forms and in many ways, if you can reach your target audience. I can use my own personal experiences to describe how great this event will be, and what it will help others be able to do, but if others can’t connect with me, it’s worthless.

Please check out the Fibromyalgia Fundraising/Research page, email my sister Nicole, donate anything if you can .50 to a $1 anything and everything helps. It’s Non-Profit! My sister will compete this race with the names of everyone that donated on her, as a means to recognize each mile for a donation match and the person that was willing to give just a little for so much more.

If you can, pass this along, email it, read it, twitter it. Thank you.

Jul

Pain As An Equal Part of Who You Are.

By rattusphere 0 Comments

Categories: The Sphere
Tags: chronic pain, dr. lowe, family, fibromyalgia, fundraising, half ironman, health, pain, personal stories, research, triathlons, who we are, [ self ]

So this is the entry where I talk about pain, and pain associated with Fibromyalgia, with car accidents, with depression, and with living.

It’s hard being objective about a topic like pain, when you live with it, when it incorporates itself into every aspect of your life so completely that there are times when it’s hard to see yourself as being separate from it: you are the sum of your parts, and the pain becomes it’s own entity, it’s own part, in the end a part of you.

Years ago when I was first experiencing long term periods of pain I figured there was a reason. Things like pain don’t just happen without them, there’s rationally a cause for it. To some extent I boxed my own self in, thinking that if I could ride out what I was feeling physically, it would go away, and in turn I could go back to feeling and doing the things I used to do. Things that included “normal” activities or what’s considered normal by society as a standard of “function.” I went from working full time to not. From being able to attend a class at the university without complications to flat out having to withdraw, or at the least, go through great lengths with the professors I had in order for my non attendance to not be held against my overall grade/participation. I went from being social-ish / being active, to doing nothing. The nothing included slowly losing friendships from people who didn’t understand that I didn’t have the energy to go out any more, or the tolerance to dance because of the pain I felt, even things as simple as conversation were hard, because what I felt in my body interfered with how I connected and communicated to others.

I was inside myself, with this new part of me, not understanding why it was there, and not knowing when it was going to leave.

The first doctor I saw was, at that time, my physician. They told me it was probably major depression related stress, and recommended a local rheumatologist. I saw the rheumatologist my physician had informed me about, was ordered blood tests that showed mostly nothing, and prescribed an anti-inflammatory that didn’t help. After several visits I was told to attend a local pain clinic because there was nothing else this rheumatologist could do for me.

If you’ve ever had a problem, or even an illness, and been confronted with the possibility that there isn’t an answer for your problem; that no solution will be immediate to fix what’s wrong, that’s basically where I was. Having another doctor send me someplace else was at that point more than disheartening; it left me feeling as though what was going on wasn’t important enough to warrant fixing, to have a solution.

I didn’t go to the pain clinic, not then. I worked my way through classes at the university, struggled with doing simple daily tasks and let myself sink.

Pain clinics, personally, are traps for people that are diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. When you take a pain killer, you’re masking your pain. You may tell yourself that it will enable you to get out more, to be able to walk more, to do those simple things that others take for granted, but I can’t see as how it’s a good thing. The medications I was prescribed during my pain clinic period for my Fibromyalgia were intense. I couldn’t function with the pain I was feeling, but I couldn’t function on the pain killers either. Some made me sleep for 12 hours or more, I was dragging more than I was before, I couldn’t realistically take them and drive myself to campus, so how was this functioning?

It wasn’t, so I continued physically therapy and quit the pain clinic.

If I could pass on anything about my experiences with pain it would be that working through it is the best thing anyone could do. It’s the hardest thing to do, and there are days when regular, normal, simple activities take everything from me, but I would state that those moments build everything inside, make you stronger from having had them, and enable you to go through them again. Each time you get up and go through it, tell yourself you can do it and do it, the next time isn’t as inconceivable, it still might be hard, but at least you know you can do it.

I’ve had over three years of physical therapy, for Fibromyalgia related pain and for physical injuries. Five years ago I couldn’t walk up the street, and now I’m working my way up to running my first two miles.

So this is it, doctors can tell you one thing, you can feel another way about it, and still you know you live with this thing: this idea that what you feel and what you experience changes you, and not only that, but it changes how people see you and interact with you.

People can sometimes only relate to you as a set of individualized parts, and not realize that you are actually a whole. What does this mean? Simply this: I have symptoms, conditions; depression, chronic pain, etc., but when others cease to see me, the whole me, and only relate to me through what I have, i.e, my symptoms, it makes it that much harder for me, to be, me.

For anyone dealing with chronic pain, know that you have to exhaust all your options, and when that is done, you find more to do the same thing with. Don’t pity yourself, work hard, in fact, work harder, and when it hurts, embrace it for you know that you are alive and you feel, for there can be a life in which none of that exists, and what kind of life would that be?

Please visit the Fibromyalgia Fundraising/Research page and read about the research work Dr. Lowe is doing on Fibromyalgia, and the Half Ironman my sister is competing in to raise money for Fibromyalgia Research!

Jul

Half Ironman - Competing for Fibromyalgia Research!

By rattusphere 0 Comments

Categories: The Sphere
Tags: biking, events, family, fibromyalgia, fundraising, health, love, races, research, running, science, swimming, triathlons

Please check out the Fibromyalgia Fundraising/Research! page I’ve created, and take some time to read about this amazing cause my sister is competing for and the event she is competing in to raise money for Fibromyalgia research.

Please pass it along, it’s for a good cause, and it’s being organized by good people (my sister!)

Thank you!

Jun

Why Your Kids Are Overweight.

By rattusphere 3 Comments

Categories: Unsettling Observations
Tags: behavior, clueless parents, fat kids, health, killing your kids with food, over weight kids, overweight, parenting

I’m standing in line at a local water ice shop tonight contemplating which flavor I’m going to be bringing home for my dessert treat and in walks two children, an older boy and a younger girl.

First I’d like to state that these kids where young, probably 8 or 10, no older than that, probably younger. They were grotesquely overweight. The boy was just finishing up a soft serve waffle cone of some sort and had custard all over the outside of his mouth. The boy working the register behind the water ice counter noticed this, and tried, ever so unsuccessfully to tell the dirty boy about this custard bad play. The overweight boy didn’t seem to mind, as he was SO focused on what he was getting next with his mother’s $10.00 bill. He stated fervently to the boy behind the counter, that, “mommy said I could get what ever I want, and that even means jimmies and a waffle cone with double custard.”

I just about threw up in my mouth watching this display of youthful gluttony unravel before me. I eyed his younger sister as she put in her order as well, “a waffle cone with chocolate custard and chocolate jimmies.” She eyed the soft serve machine as the waiter boy squeezed out her custard into the waffle cone. Her eyes were the things that made me think twice about starting a polite kid conversation with her. They looked blankly at the sugary treats being prepared for her. I looked at her as a whole person and saw her thick, swollen torso, double chin biting her upper lip as she waited for the custard cone, and thick legs already covered in what appeared to be suitable stretch marks for someone who is battling weight gain and losing.

I was handed my quart of Mango Water Ice, said my thanks and turned to leave only to stumble upon the mother of the two overweight children who had been in the store the entire time I was filling my order. She was unhappy her cone had taken this long to make, she grabbed her sons instead and turned to go outside and eat it, leaving him inside to get another one for himself. I looked at her as she left, attempted a smile, and it fell flat as it left my lips.

I wanted to say, “you children are going to die.” or “you’re teaching your kids how to kill themselves.” I don’t think it would have mattered. She seemed unhappy, and honestly it probably spreads itself to the children like a disease.

After I made myself dinner (Chilean sea bass with lime/lemon/dill and grilled veggies with brown rice,) I sat down to eat my Mango Water Ice and think about the health of our nation, how I’m afraid of growing up surrounded by generations where video games and fast food is more important than living well and being mentally sound.

Your children are overweight because you don’t give a damn about them. But more importantly, you don’t give a damn about yourself either. You disgust us, and so do your children, because they are a reflection of what you think society deems appropriate behavior.

You FAIL.

May

Bottoms Up.

By rattusphere 0 Comments

Categories: The Sphere and World of Medicine
Tags: health, colonoscopy, golytely

It’s 5:30 or so in the morning. In about an hour I’ll be on my way to the medical building for my colonoscopy, my first.

Last night’s experience with the GoLytely was intense. At the 1/4 mark I had my “Oh God” moment. Here’s to hoping there’s something worth finding in the test results, because I don’t relish repeating this process again.

I dreamt of pancakes. Chocolate-chip wonderland with rivers of natural syrup.

The house also smells like honey smoked bacon.

This is my first official full anal penetration, and I won’t be conscious for it.

These are my before colonoscopy notes.

May

The Suck.

By rattusphere 0 Comments

Categories: The Sphere, Unsettling Observations and World of Medicine
Tags: colonoscopy, health, observations

It’s simple. It’s going to suck. It’s going to be THE SUCK. Everything before will be crisp and clear in my memory cache, but the after, the meaningful, will be wiped entirely. My personal black hole left to find solace with the other two inside my mind.

Fancy that. The universe growing inside my head, the dead space and missing time getting to know one another.

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you…FUCK.

Nervous

Anxious

Fearful

Sad

Lonely.

Apr

For Reference: They Live.

By rattusphere 0 Comments

Categories: Unsettling Observations and World of Medicine
Tags: observations, life, dreams, health, colonoscopy, relationships

Last night I had a dream in which my underwear ate me. It actually wasn’t as simple as that though.

I’m convincing myself this is finally a series of emotional responses manifesting themselves inside me, subconsciously. Friday is -the- day and I haven’t talked about it, haven’t researched it, have pretty much walked around and avoided it. Right now I need to speak about the underwear, so I am.

Despite how interested people appear to be, they are not. It’s politeness that stirs them to adequate responses, sometimes even to inquiries, but interest, pure human interest, no. You can see it in their eyes after their question isn’t replied to they way they thought it might have been. Retreat. Wall. Silence.

And you’re left holding yourself inside, ready to go further, but unable to because there is no one.

This is what it is like. Hyper extended imaginary tentacles reaching for tentative connection; a word, an opening, an unguarded doorway half cracked like myself. They shrink in their discoveries, whiter in repulsion at the extent of personal costuming, and sag with the weight of a heavy heart.

If days were more than the skins we wear, we’d be cut deep with revelations and skinned bare: bones marring our surrounding surfaces like chalk.

I see you: snakes coiled behind stilted white planks and flat unresponsive orbs.

The underwear had teeth around the support band. Slowly like a row of scissors, slicing to and fro, they consumed my lower half. Hips, legs, and unused womanly bits disappearing beneath a neatly amputated crimson band. It felt like hundreds of little feet, circling my diameter.

I woke up half of myself, sweaty.

Everything I draw is gutty and visceral. My insides hurt and the pills make me sick. People I know say things like “Feel better” or “I hope you’re feeling better” or “It could be worse.” Their kindnesses scrape me. Their silences punch holes into my reality and let the salivating darkness in further.

I am weak and mean and unsympathetic. I curse my guts, loathe my colon, and ache for a life I wasted when it was far from perfect but so perfect compared to now.