Not that nervous. Tired tonight. A lot on my mind. A lot of people bullshit.
It’s been settling out over the past few days, some good, some bad, but mostly into the bullshit file box and away from the positive energy core (thankfully.)
At some point this week my boyfriend bailed on me with silence, and my parents volunteered to be my pilot support in and out of the tri tomorrow. This only sucks a little: depending on someone to be there, only to have them distance from you and shut down completely at a time when you need them the most.
Life right? People and crap and pains of the growing process I suppose.
It has, in some sense, re-focused me on my path (for which I am grateful, I felt to some extent I was straying anyways and becoming distant from those things and people important around me.)
My tri gear is piled in neat stacks on my bedroom floor. My bike is waiting in the garage, I took a spirited walk earlier trying to let go of the negative thoughts: some kind of final mental purge.
I know, in some way, that tomorrow will change me. I will be a different person afterward. I’m looking forward to what happens, regardless of miles, of time, maybe of even finish.
Getting this far was a finish in itself, and for that I’m grateful. Seeing family and friends will just about help carry me the rest of the way I think, as I couldn’t have gotten this far without any of them either.
I think, this whole process is about having faith in oneself to overcome. So, I’m ready for that. Bring it.
The problem with being Major Depressive, or with suffering from any kind of mental problem (mostly) is that you feel foreign.
You feel like an alien most of the time. Someone or something outside of everything else.
It’s hard to belong, to know that you belong, especially when you aren’t told this by those around you, aren’t encouraged, aren’t reminded.
The world through your eyes is not the same as the world through others. It can never be.
Sometimes the worst part of my day is having someone tell me they didn’t think I needed something because I am strong, or self confident, or self reliant. I am all those things, and none of those things depending on the day. I will always be broken, and need help, but never be willing to ask for it, because honestly: I’d rather learn to fail through my own struggle than to ask for help to show how weak I really am or feel.
Like I said, broken.
And in the same way that all of this matters, none of it actually does: for my expectations of the world will never or can never be met by anyone but myself, nor should they be.
This is why auto > duo.
Just trying to figure things out.
It isn’t going that well.
What else is new, right?
Two weeks to the Philly Women’s Triathlon. I’ve had root canal work on the same tooth for the past two weeks, and have too also the week of the tri. I’ve resigned myself to the notion that if I’m not able to do the mileage by this point, it isn’t happening, so even with the pain/tooth complications things have to go on.
Nitrous hangovers = suck. I’m crabby a lot, I don’t really have any self confidence left, I feel that I am not getting support from the people I wish, or want.
I don’t have any left for myself.
It doesn’t matter.
Deep down inside I want things to go back to how they were a couple months ago: me confident, single, just enjoying myself, and training hard.
I’m back to feeling like I’m drowning inside myself and I hate it.
