Empty space. The clock is ticking. Words hang. I don’t know what to put here.

Again.

And it’s not something I bind myself to, but a thing I demand of myself when I am alone, and progressing, and want to remember how it is to feel as though there is movement forward in a life, and not always the slipping and stumbling back.

Been thinking about many things: Nicki’s Ironman (which she finished with amazing colors! So proud of her!) training for more than one distance race next summer, maybe entering my first rock climbing competition this year, and next year, keeping up the volunteering, wondering if I’m mentally done with school or am just finishing it out for the sake of everyone else, how dating or even just meeting new people terrifies me and I need to start doing it more, lest I don’t or won’t, do it at all.

Things, lots of things to think about. Life is mostly full of the good, so I find, once again, the need to not be -here.-

A list, short:

Confidence is: Painting, writing, climbing, running, volunteering, (even WoW), talking to a new and different stranger each and every week.

It is not: making up excuses for why I can’t do something, or would rather not do something. It is also not doing things that don’t bring me joy (versus pleasure.) Which is why I’m reinstating the word “no.”

Fall is a beautiful time of the year to rediscover yourself.


When you notice the shortness, the dark creeping in, the cold embracing the air…When you notice that the summer is gone, that all those “summer things” you’ve left undone, have to remain so until next year because time can’t afford you anymore of itself to accomplish them…

This is time and the passing of solar warmth into wood fires, snow, bare trees, October rain, and pumpkin seeds.


Floosh.

08Sep09

Thinking about automatica.

You know…things that make you go, Mmmmm. No, not -those- things, the things that are supposed to make our lives easier because they do virtually everything for us. They have taken the place of our actually moving, so that we can be, well…forgetful.

There’s a building on campus, 25 University Ave, actually, that was remodeled a few years ago. It used to be the old music building, now it houses the Bursar and several other classrooms. I don’t like the bathrooms, and this is my observation on the words “new” & “improved” & “automatic.”

The toilets in this new building flush for you. Like so many other new restroom features, it’s not astounding by itself. In fact, I’m sure the automatic flush has been around for quite some time. It’s the timing of the flush that worries me. How, over the years the speed at which you’re meant to “do your business” has gone from one of a casual nature, to down right, getting things done.

According to the restrooms at 25 University Ave, you’re not really supposed to spend any amount of time on the toilet. None. It might be a case of over sensitive sensors, or faulty sensors. Either way, halfway through your business, the toilet automatically tells you that you are to have -no- more business, and it whisks away everything that could prove you were even there in the first place.

Then again several seconds later when you’re actually done, then again when you’re done -done-.

No one in the bathroom talks about this. This flush discrepancy. This automatica overload. This shortened response time.

Women rush to do their business, single toilets flush 3 or 4 times as sensorsĀ  are triggered over and over again.

The red single flush button mocks the users next to the blinking sensor light above the toilet bowl.

Blinking. Blinking. blinking.

Flush.

I’d give my left hand for a handle to push. Something tangible next to all this automatic bullshit. Something I could push when I want, when I’m good and ready. When I’m finally fucking done.